Eleven Months

Eleven months have passed by since the last time I spoke to my mother. It was eleven months ago I ran from a toxic household. It was toxic to my well being, to my spirit, to my soul. As bad as it seems when I look back, I still wish I was there. I don't want the abuse to continue, but I do miss the feeling of having a family. Its so lonely without a mother, brother, nieces, nephews. It feels like a dark hole inside yourself that can never reach the light.
I remember the first evening in a new place. It was bittersweet. I was safe but it wasn't my home. I didn't have to worry about what I would wake up to. Then again I wouldn't wake up to anything, just emptiness.
We didn't have a lot of good times.
I don't remember a time when I didn't resent her for not taking care of me like she should. For not protecting me from things a mother should.
People say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger." What if this feeling is killing me, painfully, and slowely.
I have had some dark days but this cloud won't leave. It just lingers. My only hope is to finally talk to her. Maybe then we can repair things, if not, at least closure can begin.
I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope I am strong enough to reach for it.

Plus size? or Real Woman?

When I go out I feel like I have nothing to wear. Like most women I feel like an ugly heffer in anything that isn't black. You know Cause black is supposed to be slimming. It also doesn't help that I'm 21 with braces.
I look around at all my gorgeous friends and wish I had the drive to be so strict with my diet and excercise. Its hard when you live in New Mexico. Those enchiladas and tacos are just like sex in your mouth! Anyway I have been trying to be better with the things I put in my body, but I wonder if I would feel better about myself if I were a size 2 or if I would just find something else wrong? Maybe I should just be happy with my love handles and enchiladas!

New to the bloggerverse

What is the definition of blogging? As wikipedia has explained it (I know not very reliable), It is " is a type of website, usually maintained by an individual with regular entries of commentary, descriptions of events, or other material such as graphics or video." My whole life I have been a very private person. I am not the girl that raises her hand in class, wears loud clothing, or even someone that would leave some sort of impression. That all changed just recently. My whole life turned upside down during the past few months. I now feel that it is my time to shine because life is too short to live within the guidelines of what other people expect. I want to live my life by my rules and of course within legal reason. I wanted to start this blog so that I may put myself out there and log things that I feel are important. Here it goes!!!